reflection

It is 2 days to the end of 2014 & the unrest within me is heightened. The reason for my restlessness is unknown, the only thing I can think of is that I may not have achieved everything that I set out to do this year. I am anxious about what needs to be achieved in 2015 & about being well prepared to tackle this new year & any challenges it may hold. 2014 has been an absolutely crazy year!

When I look back at what I set out to achieve for myself in 2014, I notice that I was way too vague in what I wanted. I also did not complete the list which does not say much for how dedicated I was to the cause. Don't get me wrong, I did some of the things that I had set out to do, I just don't know if I attacked everything with as much vigor & passion as I could have & I think in certain things I was very unsure & unfocused. 

 

I don't think I necessarily believed wholeheartedly that I could achieve everything that I set out to do & I also think that I did not put certain things onto the list because I thought that some things were/are not attainable, that these were pipe dreams.

On a lighter & more optimistic note, I have discovered the power of prayer this year, an amazing gift that has taken my soul to absolutely new heights. I have discovered & renewed my belief in the power of trying to remain positive combined with steadfast faith & prayer. I may not have gone to church every Sunday BUT I am closer to God today than I was at this time last year. This has not been achieved without support from a few very special individuals in my life & also with the protection of guardian angels. I know that my father above has my back, that no task is too big or too small for him.

I am travelling on the road that I believe is the path towards my purpose & although I am restless & impatient, I will work consistently towards this goal. I think the unrest is also related to not always knowing what the next step is or where I am eventually going to end up. I am a 'planning' person...I like to figure out where I need/ want to be & then plan how to get there. I would never plan to get anywhere if my logical mind did not believe that it is possible, realistically. If I am unsure about where I am going or whether it is even achievable, how can I plan to get there?

A voice inside my head says: "You need to decide where you want to be & put that onto your list of to do's for 2015. Dare to dream it & it will be a reality. Speak it into life."

I look at certain situations & at how I have reacted, What my parents have taught me about life, What is possible & what is IMPOSSIBLE; What my confidence levels tell me is achievable & what is not really within my reach. I have doubt...BUT I am also on a journey to dispel that doubt.

In 2015, the impossible will become a reality for me. 

I will move mountains in this new year for "I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me". Philippians 4:13.

I will yield results in all areas on my life this year because I know that my God wants only the best for me. In his name I rejoice when all is good, in his arms I take shelter when darkness befalls me. I will hold on in faith to Psalm 23 & also to the below from Jeremiah 29:11.

2014 has been an emotionally exhausting year. In looking back, I cannot even remember everything that has contributed towards the depletion of my physical endurance but my spiritual stamina is well in tact. My body may be exhausted but my soul is telling me to rise up & start assembling the tools to fight the next battle ahead. I am ready, I may not know what is coming BUT with God on my side, my angels & light soldiers all around me, faith in my heart, light in my soul.... I am sure I will survive.

Much love
Lynne
xx

An inner yearning

There is a desperation within my soul that is like an desperate internal yearning. A deep primal yearning for a lighter, freer, more serene way of being. I understand that this is a process, that the process is about learning, about an education of the inner child, about finding your way BUT I wish that it could be an easier & faster transition... which it cannot be?

I look out at the world, at where it is headed. At where people are headed. I look at the mistakes I still make daily in my sometimes unconscious state of being. In my humanoid delusional way of being. I examine myself as if in a mirror, staring at every inch of myself that is tainted by human error. I watch myself as I stumble & fumble around sometimes in a darkness that I cannot always escape from. I wish I knew better how to maintain and just be... to live as my maker would have me live...

I look at some of our youth, at how we are rearing a society that feels entitled, that do not necessarily care for or about the environment, that doesn't always 'see' their fellow man, that don't always respect their elders.... my 8 year old son lectures me about the fish that are endangered & how I should be more aware & not purchase those types that are on the red (endangered) or orange (near endangered) list.

I look at some of our men, that do not always respect their woman, that do not always treasure them, that sometimes belittle them, that sometimes act abusively, that do not always feel proud, that sometimes are too proud...

I look at some of our women, that sometimes have no sense of worth, that do not feel equal, equally important, equally loved, equally respected. How we sometimes neglect our children because our focus is split, how we then try to make it up by spoiling them, how we don't always lead  by example, how we are sometimes overly critical of ourselves, how we sometimes turn ourselves into objects of desire to obtain a sense of power...

I look at some of our family units, new age, broken, struggling, double & single parent families trying to find their way. Quality time stretched under the pressures of over-extension. Material wants dumbing down the quality of words we use & share, of lessons we teach, of memories we make, of time we spend, of attention we provide, of consciousness we drive...


I look at all of the above & I wish that I had the ability to change that. I sometimes feel like a butterfly trapped under a glass. I can see out & I can flutter but I cannot make the glass move.
I see so many people & groups talking about a better way of being, encouraging people, trying to shed a light, sharing a light, being a light.... I see motivational blogs, motivational messages, images, pictures in general. I see really enlightened people speak of spiritual ways of being, about inner truths, about growing & knowing.... & I ask myself, with so many people thinking about & spreading light surely there should be more.... light? Surely we could light up a small country with that light? Surely we could spread it faster, shine it brighter, drive it harder? Surely we love the world enough to save it. To save ourselves from ourselves, to make a difference?

And can we make a difference just one at a time? In a small capacity & is it enough?


Is it enough to try to be kind?
To count your blessings, be thankful for them & praise your maker silently or even publicly?
Is it enough to pray at night & teach your kids the power of prayer?
Is it enough to support where you see a struggle & give where & when you can?
Is it enough to turn a frown into a smile & reflect a light in a darkening situation?
Is it enough to protect the weak or at least help them figure out that they are stronger than they think?
Is it enough to try every day to be better?
Is it enough to try to be a vegan/ vegetarian in support of the abolition of cruelty towards animals & the wasteful & sometimes greedy nature of man?
Is it enough to see the future of the children & strive towards being a teacher to help raise the future generations?
Is it enough to encourage prayer in your workplace & through your social media page to encourage a move back towards religion or spirituality?
Is it enough to be supportive of someones vision when you know that vision is towards a greater good & is done with a pure spirit?
Is it enough to want to make a difference & work towards what that difference might be?

I am reminded of the story of the starfish I read once long ago. I share this with you.

In remembering this story I realize that every little step towards a greater good is a step in the right direction. It may not seem like much at that moment or in isolation but collectively each little step taken by one person or many people is building towards a better future.

And for me? Patience.... I have to learn the art. I have to stop myself from trying to make major shifts while the journey has already been written & mapped. I have to stay focused & not become restless on my course. I have to stand my ground in the face of adversity & when I am tested be strong & steadfast. I have to recognize where I have come from & work on where I am going. I have to encourage people to find their purpose & work towards finding mine. I have to expand my knowledge, be accepting of other peoples views & respectful of those who do not share mine. I have to realize that I am human, I make mistakes, it is part of the journey & it is okay!

I have a long way to go BUT in taking the steps (no matter how small), sharing my story, heeding advice from those who have walked similar paths before me, sharing & caring (as my 3 year old daughter would tell me), believing in a maker greater than me with capabilities far beyond what my human mind can even comprehend, a light in my heart & a dream in my head... I am headed to that place. My inner yearning is a calling.... a calling I have chosen to walk towards.

Much love
Lynne

Lightning storms....

In trying to live a better life, trying to be a better person, finding the light & shining your own.... there are GOING to be times when you just CANNOT control your emotions. The human factor comes out & you have to try to remain objective, clear headed & calm. Its so hard though, we are all human & we stumble as we are learning. I have told myself that as long as I can see what I am doing & recognize things that i do that may not be good, I have the ability to change my future behavior through 'cognizant conditioning'

I will NEVER proclaim to be an expert, I will never pretend to be perfect, I will never profess to have all the answers BUT I will practice in order to to improve but i will probably whilst learning, persecute those who I feel are dragging me or anyone I love down.

I am willing to give every person a chance & an opportunity to lift themselves from where they may have fallen. We ALL FALL at some stage, whether it be through our own doing, choices we may have made, continue to make or whether it be something we have inherited from our predecessors. Its a part of the perfect journey of life designed to test and stretch you. We ALL however have the power within us to change where we are going & make improvements to enable us to get there. The VICTIM card CANNOT be played multiple times! My patience runs thin with emotionally lazy people, people who JUST do not make enough of an effort to make a change. When you are stuck in a rut & you cannot lift yourself due to your health, I can understand. When you have & are given multiple opportunities, assistance & support and you still have the shortsightedness to bite the hand that feeds, helps lift/ support you or provides you with an umbrella in the rain, what kind of a person does that make you? Negativity breeds negativity & when you are already in what you deem to be a negative situation, do you think those negative words spewed forth out of anger or contempt will aid you? NO, it only helps build a darker cloud above your own head that continues to follow you around.

As with every thunder storm, the build up starts with HOT air on the ground. The HOT air may be the anger or aggression coming from that person feeling cheated or done in by life, by situations, by choices they may have made, further aggravated by other peoples 'luck' as they may call it. That hot air rises to form what is called 'updrafts' which rise up, cooling rapidly to form thunderheads. Through a combination of positive & negative charges, lightning is created. It is like a huge release of electricity. That charge is dangerous & may bring harm.

This little thunderstorm could be destructive & may be exhausting to clean up after if it causes harm/ damage. Why on earth would people want to consistently get caught in a little lightning & thunder storm!? I most certainly don't.... NOT when I myself am trying so hard to control my own demons to share light rather than steal light.

Maybe God wants there to be that thunderstorm. Maybe it is his way of taking you to the edge so that you are able to come & look for shelter in him & though him. Maybe its his way of drawing you closer to him. I have often found that in my weakest moment, I can find shelter & solace in my maker & he gets me though. NOT without me humbling myself & NOT without me realizing that some of where I find myself is my own doing.

My heart says that the persecution of people that I deem to be weak and are NOT lifting themselves is wrong? How do I deal with people who are not willing to try as hard as I may try to improve.... maybe they are trying but just cannot get to where they need to be? How does one therefore overcome these obstacles & maybe offer some kind of assistance to those unable to resolve & dissolve that hot air that eventually will cause that lightning or thunderstorm?
In my own capacity I need to learn to speak up. To speak my mind even when the other person may not like what I have to say. To offer an observation maybe that may assist. not a criticism but an observation towards a greater good. To say something that may speak to an inner child that has been stifled by an occurrence that may have left that child broken and unable to further develop or improve or grow.

I have always felt that I have the ability to help people see the bigger picture, maybe I am NOT doing that actively enough. Is it driven by the fear that I may expose a vulnerability that could be deemed as a weakness? Is it because I am selfish & have so much of my own issues to resolve & do not want to share my time with just anyone? I have never been a shrinking violet, especially even when it come down to exposing my own faults in the hope of growth....

I have a lot of work to do on this aspect of my inner mapping. Any & all comments & advice is welcome. In helping me to reach resolution... you may help more than one person. This is all a part of the journey... and oh what a journey this is.

Much love
Lynne

I too am like a butterfly....

Today for me is about the realization that I need to shine my light brightly for the world to see. Its about realizing that I HAVE THE ABILITY to light up a dark space & TO ACTUALLY DO THAT!
Its about realizing that I have the power, picking up the pieces from where it was lost over the years, owning it again FINALLY & JUST shining for the whole WORLD to see!!!!!

Its about believing & re-enforcing that belief within myself so that it becomes a part of me. Its about choosing how I want things to be & having faith that it will be as it must be, as I want it to be & that it will be good.
Yesterday morning started off terribly BUT I realize now that it was Gods way of absolutely PUSHING me to the edge of the abyss so that he could expose the weakness in me to me & allow me the choice to finally embrace it & most importantly make a plan to CHANGE IT!

The afternoon ended off with the most inspiring session with a young lady who is guiding me on finding my true potential. Unlocking the secrets to yourself, finding the triggers for your growth, identifying the stumbling blocks & chipping away at or removing them, dealing with recurring themes that may hold you back.... How blessed I am to be doing this as part of my development in my workplace?

Everything that I had thought about on the drive into office that morning, the questions that I had been asking myself in my head were all confirmed by her in the session through just the simple exchange of thoughts & words.... and once again God came to reveal himself to me. He is constantly working towards the goal post & even when I think I am stagnating, he is ticking the boxes to get me to where HE needs me to be.

What became so evident to me whilst driving into office during the morning rush is that I keep putting myself into compromised positions that DO NOT serve me or those I love & it is because I am putting the plan together. I have an idea or ideas in my head of how & where I am headed and I have NOT YET set the standard of what I NEED or how I need to be treated. PUT SIMPLY, I have not yet realized what is important to me & stood my ground on points that should not be compromised.

The alongside motivational caption from Simple Reminders.com speaks to just that. I constantly complain about what I don't want in my life YET I allow those things to be a part of my life! I strive towards treating people fairly yet I don't treat myself fairly & I also allow myself to be treated unfairly. Why do I not think that I deserve better.... that is something that I may need to work through processing. Always extremely grateful & thankful; even when I have worked myself into stupor to deserve the opportunity. Gratefulness & thankfulness is something that I was raised with... but maybe self respect was lacking in the lessons I was taught & the attributes that were encouraged? I may even DARE I SAY be a product of the apartheid era. Being from a race that was seen as disadvantaged & regarded as inferior?

 

 

I am not a product of my past....& once again I am on another journey, so many lessons & realizations & growths happening concurrently.

 

It will not be easy to realize my true worth & continue to view myself in that light. It will not be easy to view myself as ENOUGH & realize that I have given so much already & continue to give so much that is worthy & worth it....
I also have to forgive myself for all the years that I have allowed my own self degradation. I am ENOUGH, I am a GOOD person with a good heart & a GREAT purpose. I have touched lives, I have shared light. I have motivated & grown people. I have tended to broken hearts & I have helped build cocoons that have nurtured the most beautiful butterflies....


"I too am like a butterfly.... Fragile & afraid even though I may fly in the front of the formation. I sometimes need a gentle hand to lift me to the skies & for someone to whisper..... fly free. I may alight upon a flower to find nectar & have no success but I will live to alight upon another flower. I may get weary & need to rest my tired wings to fly another day. There will be rainy days & I will have to take shelter... I cannot keep going through the storm. I was born as a version of myself, I put in effort to build a cocoon to be a better version of myself & if I don't take care I could destroy myself."

light soldiers

During this tumultuous year, my team at work and I decided at some stage that we would never make it through the daily challenges if we did not literally band together and in prayer face the evils of our world head on.

We are a diverse group of woman, different and yet so similar. Some of us religious, others not but all of us very spiritually inclined. We are believers of faith, hope, truth, loyalty and light.....

Every Monday morning we gather together as we embark on the new week and we share with each other our fears, anxieties, revelations, realizations, hopes.... We reinforce in each other truths that may have been questioned or tested during the week and weekend past. We rekindle the flame of hopefulness so that each individual may once again walk forth in faith and the surety that they are not alone and that they are protected by the power of a higher force. We share testimonies of miraculous events and with it evoke in each other a sense of wonderment and renewed motivation.

We realize that in our humanity we may be weak, in our spirituality we are strengthened, in faith we are united & in God we can trust. We motivate each other to go out into the world & spread the light with those who are not as lucky as we are. To share such a bond with women in the fashion industry which is often perceived as shallow & where climbing the corporate ladder can sometimes cost you your soul if you are not grounded is really an unbelievable blessing. We often come into the office on a Monday morning knowing the stresses that we face for the week ahead may adversely affect us but the knowledge that we walk together is a light like no other & is an amazing & comforting feeling.

I am extremely honored to share my daily life & work space with such phenomenal women.

I call them light soldiers.

Whilst we all have our moments of weakness, we all also have moments of strength & it is in the ebb & flow that we support each other.

They are my light in moments of weakness... & I, in my moments of strength provide them with light. I wish that everyone I know had that support, I wish that I could share that feeling with the world.

I have been lucky in my lifetime to have been exposed to many light soldiers, people who have brought me sunshine with just their mere presence.

I am blessed to be guarded by angels.... and I thank God for that blessing.

It is in fellowship with other like minded & light minded individuals that the love of God can be transformed into the most beautiful message & most importantly shared......

Proverbs 31 Ministries provided the most awesome devotional that spoke directly to my ideas on spreading the light. A wonderful read.

New Beginnings...

Not all of us are born with answers. In fact, many of us are confused once we hit the stage where we can actually start questioning the ways of the world, where we are headed & how we will get there. Bombarded by the worlds constant noise, some of us become unable to process, recognize & consciously participate to be able to grow.

Often I read self help guru's & motivational speakers blogs & I WISH that I had the answers. My thoughts are that they seem to have it all perfected with regards to staying positive, motivating themselves & everyone around them, clearing away the debris of negatives to see only the bits that will serve them & focus on those rather than getting caught up in trying to process everything that has happened in their lives.

They make it seem so easy! & while I am sure that getting to that point may come easily for some people, for others (like me) it may be more of a journey?

I am constantly questioning myself, questioning whether my thought patterns are healthy, whether they serve me, whether they serve other people, whether they are growing me & grounding me or getting me down. It's so hard!

I talk to God, all the time. While I am driving, when I am sitting outside absorbing the sun, when I am in the traffic en route home, when I see a butterfly fluttering about in the most obscure places like at the top of a tall building in the concrete jungle that is the Greenpoint media Quarter where my offices are situated. I talk to God in the silence of my mind.... I question him and I thank him. I ask him if I have done good today. I question whether he is proud of where I am headed or if I have made mistakes. I don't always hear him talking back to me? I listen carefully, but I don't always hear a reply & this makes me really sad.

I wish that it was easier... to be connected. To know the answers. I wish that the path was well lit & that it wasn't about 'finding the light' but that the light actually found you. Maybe it does.... find you. Maybe it actually searches you out & when you are ready, reveals itself to you. Maybe in that moment, if you are lucky enough to be present & conscious, you see it. That light.

And then you start your journey? Maybe the journey starts long before you even realise you are on the path? Maybe you are actually always on the path and just stepping momentarily onto and off it as you sometimes meander and sometimes stumble along?

I DO KNOW for sure that all of us are on a journey. We all have a mission and a purpose and a task to fulfill. Every single one. From the youngest to the eldest....

Now the scary question is: Do some people never realise that they are part of a bigger picture, part of a master plan? Is it possible to go through your life and never find your true meaning and purpose? Possibly? I don't know. But what I do know is that you need to search it out. Listen to your inner child, listen to your heart, hear the voice inside your head calling gently to direct you. This could be God's voice. I believe it is.

Once you have had the first 'awakened' experience, you have already started to walk the path towards your destiny, you are on your way & you need to embrace the new beginnings that are a part of this journey. Finding the power within yourself, nurturing & harnessing that power & beauty is the beginning of the transformation. You have the power within you, you may not realize it at the beginning, you may not have the answers and you may not be entirely sure about the road to travel, the words to say or the outcome but trust that the answers are within you.

It is your journey, you are on it for a reason.

I will not be afraid to walk the road that I am destined to walk, I will embrace it & walk it bravely because I trust that it is where I am meant to go.

I may not have all the answers BUT I will discover them en route & I will share the journey with you.....

You are not alone..... & neither am I.