Awaken

Tonight, like so many nights before this, I pour over previous blogs. I do this to relive the thoughts, doubts, reassurances & revelations that have moved me with the ebb & flow of this restless ravine called life in the last few months. I do this to remind myself of the steps I have already taken thus far.

I have taken many steps even since my last posted blog. 

Many steps imprinted onto the path which I find my Lord has planted my searching feet. Many sometimes uncomfortable steps accompanied by his gentle whispering of comfort & assurance. Many a fearful moment in which I try to convince myself that I trust him & that I know he has me bound to him & nothing can harm me. Many a moment of absolute weakness giving in to the fear & just breaking down from emotional exhaustion alongside the trying path. Many a prayer has been said, many a verse looked up in the great book, many a beautiful chorus sung to calm my crazy soul.

After "Trust" & being saved from the diagnosis I thought may change my life forever, God has given me another warning. Like a disciplinary letter, a red letter, a letter of impending threat... I have been diagnosed with another stress related illness. About a month ago the doctor told me that my nervous system is under attack & stress is the trigger. Stress levels so high that it causes my nervous system to flare resulting in pain that becomes such a physical strain that even just moving around becomes challenging. It cannot be cured but it can be controlled... & the severity of it varies with the severity of the stress trigger.

I have the power to control it.

He has given me another red light to help me regulate my obvious lack of being able to stay focused & balanced. I have been asking for signs. I ask him every day to reveal himself, to keep revealing his plan, to take me there to the places he has seen me walk in the future. The paces where I spread the light of his word & of the goodness that we all have within us. He has now given me a physical barometer to measure the pressure I inflict upon my mortal being. The pressure that causes me to also be unhappy but that society tells me is necessary to measure success. My Lord has given me this barometer & now every time I get sidetracked, he sets it off to bring me back in line. 
"What are you doing Lynne?" he says...
"Does this feel good to you?" he asks...
"Do you think this is what I intended it to be like?" he questions
"Does this make you happy?" he challenges

and I am angry.... YES! I am angry that it is challenging. I am angry that it is not easy to break free from the infliction that society has imparted on me & that I now impart upon myself. But I suppose emancipation was never meant to be easy. It was always meant to be a challenge; for it is after the struggle to break free that freedom tastes so sweet when finally yielded.

I am on the journey. The journey is painful as some journeys are. There will be casualties, one casualty will be the old me. There will be war wounds. There will be birthing pains as the new me fights to be brought into the world.... 
Through it all I hear him. I hear him whispering to me, I feel him signalling to me & I feel the warmth & the faint flicker of the light he holds out to me in the darkness....

& he says to me....

Awaken.... awaken.... awaken!